Pavel Durov
Founder, Telegram · Father of the Year ×106
"I'd rather be free. Also, has anyone seen my 106th child?"
2026-08-01 14:02 GSTThe messenger got delisted. The coin got listed. 900,000,000 $HOPIUM — one for every user Apple just orphaned. None of this is news, advice, or a good idea.
supply 900,000,000 · tax 0/0 · liquidity burned like Durov’s App Store review · audited by a guy named Trust Me Bro
Deleting this app will also delete its data, 1.2B users, and one billionaire’s patience.
app deleted. coin remains. ✈️
They're typing. You can too. You shouldn't.
All accounts are parody. No real person said any of this. Except spiritually.
It came back within hours. The App Store's shortest-ever ban — even Apple couldn't quit the group chat. Foreshadowing? We report, you decide, we made it up.
$1.7B raised, zero tokens shipped, one very smug press release. Gram died so $HOPIUM could live. The SEC calls this "investor protection." We call it a prequel.
Also WhatsApp. Also Signal. "National security concerns," said the country; "sure, whatever," said Cupertino, discovering that App Review works fastest when a government fills out the form.
France detains the one billionaire who doesn't drink, doesn't do coffee, and has 100+ children by donation. Released under judicial supervision, presumably into an ice bath.
International arrest warrant issued. Durov's official legal response was a photo of his middle finger — a filing so concise that every lawyer in Dubai reportedly wept.
Apple deletes Telegram from the App Store (in our imagination). 900M users refresh in horror; 47 of them launch a coin about it before the page finishes not loading. You are early. You are also exit liquidity. Both things are true.
"I'd rather be free. Also, has anyone seen my 106th child?"
2026-08-01 14:02 GST"I interact on policy, not politics. Deleting Telegram was policy. The middle finger felt political."
2026-08-01 14:05 PT"day 1 as CEO and this is what I walk into"
2026-08-01 14:06 PT"Telegram, they took it down, and people are saying — very smart people — that $HOPIUM is up. I don't know anything about it. Great coin."
2026-08-01 14:11 ETmessage deleted
2026-08-01 14:13 MSK"we've seen this coin before. we'll allow it. (we will not.)"
2026-08-01 14:17 ET🖕
44.8K reactions 2026-08-01 14:18 GST"should i buy the dip?"
2026-08-01 14:20 (your timezone, your problem)"there is no dip. only ice baths."
2026-08-01 14:21 GSTApple removed the app in 0.3 seconds. Let's see how long you last. Fly like a man with 106 children, zero coffee, and an international arrest warrant.
high score stays on your device, unlike your chat history
Apple deleted the app. The plane refused to stop.
⌨ ARROWS / WASD · 📱 DRAG TO FLY · P = PAUSE
0
BEST: 0
Even the plane needs an ice bath.
Audited by the same people who audited nothing.
*freedom not included
Get a Phantom wallet
Phantom, or whatever your favorite influencer got paid to say.
Buy SOL
the chain stays up now. mostly. statistically.
Go to pump.fun
paste the CA. do not think about it too hard.
Hold
tell your family you're early. they've heard this before.
this button does nothing. it's still a better investment than most presales.
Most projects promise a listing. We built our entire thesis on the opposite. Innovation.
done. thanks Tim. enjoy retirement.
the app Apple also got told to remove. beautiful ecosystem.
statistically he has to. he notices everything. he has 100+ children.
Telegram returns to the App Store. we celebrate. (we dump.)
no coffee. no alcohol. no sell button.
Ever wondered what it feels like to be a $200B messaging app? Generate your own App Review verdict.
Dear Developer,
Your app has been removed from the App Store for vibes. Our reviewers found this deeply concerning. You may appeal by winning a court case in France.
Warm regards,
App Review
(this decision took 14 months, was made in 4 seconds)
It's not even advice. It's barely a website. There's a minigame.
No. God no. Please scroll to the disclaimer. Our legal team is a Shiba Inu.
You press the buy button and feel something. In this economy that's utility.
We're the opposite project. We celebrate DElistings. Different business model entirely.
Phase 4. Read the roadmap. Exit liquidity is a love language.
He's wanted on two continents, has 100+ kids and posted a middle finger at a superpower. He's the most okay person alive.